He HAD to look macho and "in control" of his woman. And countless times, he'd tell me how hard HE worked all day and all he wanted to do was come home and relax without having me bitch at him.Īs I briefly mentioned in My Story, my NX would humiliate me in front of his military buddies.
Countless times I would protest, saying can't he put things in the laundry basket. He was military, so he would come home, and promptly strip down and dump his uniform in the living room.
#POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL FULL#
He'd come home and say, "What did you do all day? Sit on your fat ass all day and eat bon-bons?" Even when I had gotten a full time job, I would still drop the children off and pick them up from daycare, clean the house, do laundry. So not only did I take care of our young daughter, but I took the opportunity to also clean and do laundry. Part of the time we were together, I was a stay at home mom. I can't tell you how many times he would call me names (like fat, crazy, and lazy). For example, while my NX used all of the spokes, the two spokes he used the most often were the emotional abuse and minimizing/denying/blaming spokes. When I was handed a printout of the wheel, I audibly gasped as I read through each "spoke" and its description. Putting her in fear by using looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, smashing things, destroying her property.Ĭontrolling what she does, who she sees and talk to, where she goes.Each "spoke" on the wheel represents different abuse tactics that the Narc abuser will utilize. Treating her like a servant, making all the “big” decisions, acting like the “master of the castle” Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her emotionally, threaten to take the children, commit suicide, or report her to welfare. Making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to give messages, using visitation as a way to harass her. Making her do sexual things against her will, physically attacking the sexual parts of her body, or treating her like a sex object. Trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, or taking her money. Putting her down or making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she’s crazy, and mind games. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship. Very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of these other types of abuse. The Power & Control diagram is a particularly helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors, which are used by a batterer to establish and maintain control over their partner. As someone affected by domestic violence and battering they will find that they have common issues with many others who have also experienced this type of violence. They can be able-bodied or with a disability, heterosexual or homosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender. People affected by domestic violence are rich, poor, married, divorced or single, from all ethnic backgrounds and economic levels. Often the psychological abuse can leave someone feeling fearful, helpless and powerless to act on their own behalf. However, the tension almost always starts to build again, thus continuing the cycle.Ī survivor of domestic abuse does not need to experience physical abuse to be abused.
The perpetrator may be sorry or act like nothing happened but is still interested in making up and may even promise never to do it again. It can last from a few minutes to several hours.
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